The story begins - A piece of semi fiction

I remember the first time I ever noticed a girl… I thought I was going to die, I felt all shy and stupid and literally thought I was going to die… did I mention I thought I was going to die… every time this girl walked past me or said hi my stomach would do back flips and I couldn’t figure out why… I hardly slept and all that my thoughts consisted of was this girl… her name was Mandy… she was a little blonde girl with green eyes and a beautiful smile… she was the first time I thought there might actually be a God in this world, she was an angel… at least to me she was an angel! Until I saw that she had a boyfriend she quickly turned into the devil! I remember I couldn’t eat, all I could think of was her kissing some other guy… I swore never to fall in love again… what did I know I was 12… and I thought love meant bring your mom her slippers when she asked for them, and if you didn’t the result was a wooden spoon across you bottom… I did break many a wooden spoon in my younger years and developed a rather unrealistic view and understanding of relationship.

The joys of writing to myself is that there is no patterns to be followed, I can write my stories as they come and as they go… some with depth others without even a clue to where I was or how old I was or am… I have always felt as if no one fully understands me… perhaps this is the case even within my self, my heart and brain often don’t match up with what is going on around me… my heart knows what it wants and what it cannot tolerate yet my brain allows it all around me due to a fear of being even more rejected by a society that has a inbred dislike for me…

I have grown up in the same house my whole life, with the same two parents up until now! I have often day dreamed about what it must have been like to be able to say I have moved constantly, I have seen so many movies that glorify the kids that always move, and they face so much trials and issues they overcome, plus it gives them an excuse to be rebels because they just blame it on their parents! I don’t know if I am the only one, but I often thought what if my parents got divorced? Am I a bad person for thinking that if they get divorced I would get more attention from people! I would actually get some attention… Do I crave more attention that most people or is this normal, am I the only one that day dreams of heart ache just because I know it is always followed by attention. I mean am I happy with who I am?

When I was about 12 I would guess, I am going to blame the girl for this one, the girl remember I told you about Mandy the devil girl with a boyfriend! I like this blame shifting… maybe I can even blame my parents for never moving and creating a safe haven, that never allowed me to see more of what houses have to offer… anyway when I was twelve there was a party at my house… I remember as if it was yesterday I was allowed one beer, allowed or stole is just semantics, it was along time ago, I felt as if I was the king of the world, while all the other kids where in the room watching cartoons (I have never had a love for cartoons really, maybe from a childhood experience, who knows). So there I was this 12 year old man hidden in the drive way behind my moms beaten up old car, I know you thinking white trash but give me a break I was only 12! And yes it was a black label, the irony is quite thick. Well there I was in all my glory sipping on this beer thinking to myself this is the worst tasting rubbish in the world (young and naive, I would come to treasure the sweet taste of said drink in my later teens), I never want to be able to drink more than one. So as I carried on drinking (I am only 12 and very impressionable and I felt like I am sure you all feel, drinking mean you are mature and all grown up and all we ever want is to grow up for some unnatural reason, looking back I wish I stayed younger for longer, that I watched more cartoons with the other kids. Back to hiding in the dark with my beer, as I was sipping away my uncle walked past and said something that I have never been able to forget, he said that “I was trouble and would never amount to anything”… I remember feeling as if my whole world was crashing down around me, my heart felt shattered, as if someone shot it out with a shotgun, something died inside me that night. I lost love and belief in myself. I wonder if people understand the power of words, the power they carry over people! Yes its funny sometimes when you say the things you do, but do you realize every actions has a reaction and how sever those actions can be.

To be continued…